FIGHTING AS FAIR AS YOU CAN

LISTEN TO THE ABOVE AUDIO ON FIGHTING FAIR

AVOIDING FIGHTS IS PROBABLY NOT AS GOOD AS FIGHTING FAIR

You may fight! But fight fair! You may enter into conflict! But be fair and know that there will be another tomorrow after the conflict! That is where a lot of people miss it. Conflicts can be very beneficial in relationships. Conflicts can be positive and constructive, when handled well. Studies and experiences have told us that conflicts are not the real culprits in relationships. 

Conflicts don’t destroy relationships! What destroys relationships is how you behave during conflicts. Someone said, ‘what kills a relationships is the thing that was said and done during the conflict and not the conflict per say”. So people should spend more time learning how to say the right things and do the right things during conflicts. 

Lets discuss the CORE principles which Dr Leslie Parrots made popular. These principles will empower you to face conflicts and fight fair. 

What are they? CORE is an acronym and stands for COOPERATION, OWNERSHIP, RESPECT, EMPATHY!

C – Stands for Cooperation. When couples  adopt cooperation what they are really saying is that whenever they are in conflict, they will want to cooperate to explore the different perspectives from both sides and adopt the best direction. This means that both of them should be dispassionate during conflicts and make up their minds that whichever direction the pendulum swings, they will adopt it as the best decision that will bring the most desired outcome for both of them. When couples decide on this at peace times, it becomes easy for them to cooperate when there is a difference in opinion or perspectives. At this time their watchword should be, ‘we are in this together and will come out with the best decision for both of us’. This helps them to stop positional bargaining during conflicts. BTW positional bargaining is when people look at issues and bargain only from their perspectives or position

O – stands for Ownership. When couples or those in relationship adopt ownership, what they are saying is that any conflicts that results in their relationship was caused by both of them. Indeed this is true. Conflicts can never result except the two parties agree to roll with it. If that is the case, both must agree that they are culpable and therefore own the process. Couples that have this mindset usually take responsibility to douse the conflicts because they had taken ownership. So, during conflicts, the couple don’t go to mutually blame themselves but accept the fault each on their own.

R – Stands for Respect. Couples that have adopted respect as one of their conflict principle are again saying that they must apply the principle of mutual respect all through the period of the conflict. They will not deviate from the point of the conflict to say evil things about the other party. Sometimes when people are conflicting, they leave the real cause of the conflicts and begin poking at each other. For example, ‘you must be an idiot’, ‘that is how your sisters insulted their husbands’, ‘this was what made your father beat your mother’ are disrespectful statements aimed at hurting but not to settle the issue at hand. They should be left out. Couples must know that there is still life after the conflicts and so they should never make conflicts – a fight to finish! Remember that after the conflict, the same mouth you used to insult your spouse is the one you might still use to kiss her!

E – stands for Empathy. Empathy is positioning yourself in the place of the other to be able to see what that person was seeing or feeling. 

I end with this story. Two boys in a class were always arguing about things. They never agree on anything. One day, their professor called them up in front of the class and made them to stand at the two ends of the class. Then he stood in between and brought out a ball from his bag, placed it at the middle of the table and asked the boys what color the ball was. One said, black and the other said white and the argument started again. They were too sure that both sides wanted to argue for argument sake. While they were at it, the professor asked them to change sides. They did and started smiling and the argument ended. They found out that the professor painted both sides of the ball with different colors and until you switch sides you will never understand that. Empathy is switching sides and couples must adopt this switch.

WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THE CORE PRINCIPLE? 

We want to teach you how to fight fair. Every relationship has conflicts. The conflicts that caused divorce in any relationship may have happened several times in another BUT was well handled. 

STOP NOW! Discuss and adopt the CORE Principle with your spouse. 

This is from Family Colors. Follow us on twitter @familycolors1 and on our facebook page FAMILY COLORS. Write to us familycolors@yahoo.co.uk. 

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